Pandemic? What Pandemic?

I haven’t written in a while, but with today being Day 1 of lockdown level 3 (booze!! Gimme gimme gimme! I even dreamt I went into the shop to buy wine and even in my dream the shelves were empty by the time I got there.) Anyhoo, day 1 of level 3 and also, Day 1 of my new job! I am incredibly excited. Admittedly I freaked out and was so stressed when I heard that my previous company wouldn’t be extending my contract, and this amidst a world wide pandemic, but then this job came across my path and I haven’t felt this excited about a new job in years.

My boyfriend and I have also decided to move in together. Well actually I decided and he just goes along with it – let’s face it, it’s easier to simply submit than to try and fight it… so we found a really fantastic place and we are all moving in together on 1 August 2020. I have big dreams for this place… Vegetable gardens, big dogs… and maybe a baby… watch this space!

So on my agenda today is:

1). Buy booze (I bought 18 bottles online a week ago but not expecting those to arrive today, so someone, will have to brave the shops today.

2). Start a new job!

2020 may have been disastrous but it has also been a fun filled present with lots of exciting new goodies!

My most exciting new gift is definitely the Daughters I have gained… I love every moment of spending time with them and the saying “They keep me young” is so true… I feel 15 again! Thank God for hair dye as unfortunately feeling 15, doesn’t make it so and the grey is a dead give away that I am – not yet but almost, 40…

New daughter nr 1

Well that didn’t f*cking go as planned

This meme has been resonating with me this entire week.

It’s funny… coz it’s true.

It sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I’m not. I have reached a stage where I say this with a quirky smile and a twinkle in my eye as I am realizing every day that it is time to STOP! and listen… (c’mon admit it you sang that in a Vanilla Ice voice
https://youtu.be/rog8ou-ZepE) and re-evaluate my life, and where I am going, and, what are my expectations for the future.

It’s hard to apply the quote that says “Do not compare your chapter One to someone else’s Chapter Twenty’. This has been another weekend spent at work, and entirely on my own every other minute. Man alive it gets a bit much after a while. But I am still keeping the negative thoughts at bay… it has to change at some stage and I am hard at work implementing change to the things that are in my control. Watch this space.

But back to the quote: it is hard to not look around you and be envious of the things you want, that other people has…

 

Update:  I started writing this blog on 29 April – nearly a month ago but never finished it.  So I thought I would continue as this emotion is still very strongly at the forefront of what I am thinking.
At work again this morning and weekends are so dead quiet it really does leave way too much time, to think.  Oh and I am the master over-thinker!  I have over-thunk myself right into a new mindset this morning of What the F am I doing??  Okay perhaps not a new mindset at all – just again.

wtf

I am really looking back at the last 38 years and as morbid as this sounds, I can’t help but think:  WTF was that???

Anyhoo every day I am just driven and convinced into the very depths of my soul, that a change is due.  Long overdue.

More music, more cooking, more crafts (I am definitely starting my mosaic table today!) more exercise.  I need less time to over think I think…

Adulting is a bowl of soup and I am a fork

Aiden and I currently live in an apartment building. On the first floor. We are thus surrounded by people.

There are people on either sides of us, people above us… we can hear EVERYTHING. And I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G

Recently I have started to hear a baby cry at odd times during the nights. I have to say it’s not an annoying, ear piercing screech that wakes me up – I am a notoriously bad sleeper so I find myself awake plenty of times during the night, and then I hear the baby cry. The parents get up and either comfort, feed or change the baby and everyone goes back to sleep (except for me off course – fuck you insomnia), but as I am laying down in bed tonight, I heard the baby cry again, I hear the parents move, and within seconds, the Baby is quiet and comforted, and back to sleep… bare in mind it is now 23:40.

And it hits me…

We are all just little babies crying in the middle of the night. This baby clearly didn’t need a nappy change, nor did it need milk… it woke up and felt alone and needed to know that someone else was there. Someone was there that cared and would jump up and cuddle him or her, and reassure him/her (I feel bad constantly saying ‘it’, like he/she is an object without an identity), that they are not alone.

If I could, I would also start wailing at the top of my lungs when I wake up at 2:30 EVERY BLOODY MORNING, if it meant someone would come and hold my hand. But, alas, in the first place at some point we are taught that wailing at the top of your lungs at 2:30 is heavily frowned upon (by your parents especially) from a certain age, and in the second place, even if I didn’t mind waking the neighbors baby at that ungodly hour; nobody would come.

This is adulthood I suppose… we wake up at 2:30 desperately wanting to cry and scream because I just need someone to hold my hand or rub my back and tell me I am okay, I am not alone, it will be okay.

I also realized earlier today that I am strong. I am exceptionally strong. I don’t think though I was born this way, I was conditioned this way. It is an amazing feeling to know that I will never be defeated. But it is a soul destroying fact to know, that I can never be defeated. And this statement may sound profound to those who has not been forced by life to become indestructible, but I have realized that this makes me an incredibly difficult human being to be up against, and to tolerate and to love.

It’s a bittersweet fact of my life, this epiphany I have had about my greatest feat in life, that is also my biggest downfall.

I can’t be anything else though. I cannot pretend to be weak for I am not meak and mild even when I am broken – this is just who I am.

I can only trust that those who really do know me – and this meme jumps to mind:

really do see Me.

Life really is a bowl of soup, and I am a fork.

And what do I mean when I say that? All I mean is to say, that I really don’t know what the fuck I am doing.

Lockdown se moer nou

I am officially on the ‘End lockdown now’ bandwagon… I have to have my freedom back. Every day that goes by living in this Policed State is driving me closer to tumbling over the edge. I want to gym. I want to drink. Most of all I WANT TO WORK!! I want to choose. I am an almost 40 year old woman and Goddamnit if I want to freakin smoke (even though I quit over five years ago) then I want it to be my choice.

I, and I am sure millions of other SAFFAS as well, do not understand how plummeting the country into poverty, is the rational decision?? How can it possibly make sense to cause your people to die of hunger and/or very probable, suicide? We are more afraid of your Draconian decisions than we are of the Virus Mr President. You are causing us harm. You are killing us by letting us lose our jobs, losing our wits, and losing our minds! Are you not able to think that perhaps the Country would be more willing to adhere to the rules to avoid spreading the virus if you and your Government didn’t make it as hard as possible to adhere to them. I, as with many of my fellow South Africans find a decent workout more than essential to my mental health. I need to see my family, I need to hug my friends. I need a glass of wine damn you!

I am ready to start burning shit. I am ready to start a mob exercise session in the middle of my favourite shopping mall… I am ready to have said mob show up at their favourite nail salons or hair salons.

I am sick to my stomach worrying about the people that work at my house, what we call Peace jobs in this country. I have paid them what I could but I too am without a job at the end of the month and my nerves are shot.

I want to, No, I have to be able to go for interviews because I have a child to take care of. But driving to Joburg is against the law?! You don’t even have the decency to tell us what your plans are going forward. We are in the dark. And we are too scared to react because we will be thrown into prison. Violently. And then I see it… I read it and this Mr President is where the last bit of patience I was clinging onto, the last grain of compassion I had for the people that could possibly die from the virus buggered off and flew into the distant horizon; Nearly 20 000 prisoners, are being let go. Free. Over a 10 week period.

A TEN WEEK PERIOD?

So… the streets are being flooded with criminals that probably have nowhere to go… People who will not be fed. People that has less hope of income after this travesty ends than I do… Where will they turn for food? Or shelter? We already read how the homeless ‘escaped’ from the accommodations they were provided.

And even more worrying… over a TEN week period… TEN WEEKS. How much longer are you anticipating to keep us prisoners of your irrational government decisions??

I need out. I need out and my fellow South Africans need out.

Like Gareth Cliff said, you need to let your people go!

Can I come into the out now please

It’s day four million five hundred and seventy nine of lockdown… I think… I have lost count. I am officially on ‘seven more days left’ until the 16th… I am not going to even venture down a path of thinking we will be let back outside on the 17th… the odds do not seem to be in our favour right now.

It was also my birthday two days ago… But I am glad to be able to say, I had a really good day, lockdown and all. No presents though 😦 But considering I had some wine (had being the operative word here), and a really super sassy varkie cake and all my Lovelies around me, I actually felt, or feel, really blessed and privileged. I will need a do-over though as I feel I have to properly celebrate my last year in my thirties… I can almost not believe it, my last year in my thirties. But oh well… Forty is the New Thirty and this lockdown is doing my skin wonders, so whatever, the next decade can only be amazing (watch the Iliza Schlesinger skit on how girls plan their break-ups, amazing will get a whole new meaning https://youtu.be/nq8H6qSCjMw .

Sassy Piggy Cake

And all my Lovelies

It’s amazing what 14 days (and counting) just being at home can do for you. I must say, it is going much better than I initially anticipated it would go, but I figure it has a lot to do with preparing yourself mentally. I really do wish though that Uncle Cyril gave us a bit more time to do panic wine shopping… But that being said, I also feel that a few days sans vino isn’t necessarily a bad thing… my waist line certainly is grateful. I do miss the gym though… I can’t wait to get back onto the treadmill, and leg presses (I ended at 100kg leg press before this cluster fuck of a virus hit us).

Gym in isolation

That being said though, there is always, always a plan to be made… last week we did legs and I couldn’t sit down on the toilet without sounding like a 90 old year lady for two days.

Well that’s about it, being locked up with no taxis and no weirdo’s brightening our days doesn’t make for riveting conversation unfortunately…

So this is all for now folks, stay safe, stay fit and stay sane!

Boomgate ordeals

I lost my shit on Saturday at the Gautrain station.

And not your average ‘I want to see the manager’ lost your shit.

I went proper mental. Badshit, yelling, screaming and swearing crazy. Not my proudest moment. Clearly.

But imagine being on your way somewhere, and you realize you are going to be late. So you call ahead, and apologize and tell the person you are ‘running a few minutes late’. I think for most people, ‘a few minutes’ constitutes somewhere in the region of 8-10 minutes later.

Right – so I get off the train, swipe my bank card to get out (how innovative is our country?!? No more adding credit to a card that ’expires’ (don’t even get me started on that), after three weeks, No No – just tap your touchless bank card et voila! You can get to where you want via the Gautrain. And the best part – you can tap your bank card at the parking booms as well – so well done SA, Gautengers lives definitely made easier.

Or so you think…

So all ready running late, I jog to my car, and head for the boom… feeling rather anxious as I am at this stage definitely going to miss my 10 minute limit on arriving late. Dig out the same card I used to enter – please remember this same card allowed me access earlier this morning, and wouldn’t you know it, what does the boom gate display say? Blocked card. BLOCKED CARD!!! Blocked?? Blocked how, you let me in not 3 hours ago so let me the fuck out you stupid boom gate. So after tapping that card so many times that Michael Flatly would have felt put to shame, the guard comes sauntering towards me. Even before he says anything I start my story because remember, now my 10 minute late limit is so far gone not even Jesus can revive it, so my patience has not run out it has fucked off and is a mere glimmer on the horizon. Now for those of you who know me personally, you will know one of my most gravest pet pieves in life; Tardiness.

So I have just started telling my story to Mr Boom Gate Guard, when I am interrupted with a “Hallo”, and that blank stare, and then a “How are you”. (I left the question mark out after the ‘you’ on purpose…. nobody gives a fuck how anybody else is doing!

At this point I am ready to explode. I am punching the intercom button like a demented lunatic and all the while literally choking out the words “I am fine, how are you?” through gritted teeth. The lady at the other end of the intercom answers, and I retell my story hearing myself getting more and more worked up, but by the mere grace of God, I am not yet yelling. Until… until the lady at the other end of the intercom DISCONNECTS THE CALL!! Mr Boom Gate Guard is probably watching my face turn from annoyed white lady to full on crazy white bitch on the verge of totally losing all her shits.

The pressing of the intercom button commences and when she answers again, I lose all control as she repeatedly says “Hallo? Hallo?” So I scream… not yell, not talk louder, I scream into that intercom so loud I am sure the people on the train could hear me.

And then, the best is yet to come, she, very calmly, tells me, that I will have to return to the office as ‘they are experiencing slight difficulties with the parking section of using your credit card.” Now my friends, at this point, my soul has left my body and Satan has taken over and I was not in control of any of my actions. So Satan at this point screamed at the guard that he was about to ram his car through the boom gate if it didn’t open up immediately!

Satan swore Zuma, he swore Ramaphosa, He even swore Jan van Riebeeck and to my utter shame the poor innocent soul at the Boom Gate, also got it. That little Yaris of mine had no idea it could drive like a F1 race car as I sped back to the office to pay THE R15 parking fee. I shit you not… all of this, for a R15 parking fee.

I think I also ran faster than Caster Semenya that day but lo and behold eventually the parking was paid, and I legged it to my appointment, now a full on half an hour late.

So I understand this is a new initiative, and like I mentioned quite an innovative one, and glitches are to be expected and it may take a while to sort it out and run 100% smoothly. But where, where oh great Management of the Gautrain station, are the notices informing your commuters of the ‘slight issues you are experiencing’????

Anyway – I got to my appointment and luckily the therapist was so sweet and patient, and even made me a cappuccino as she probably noticed the crazy in my eyes…

So thank you Ricolene for saving my Saturday and giving me beautiful pedicured toes after my Boom Gate Ordeal.

It’s finally over… Goodbye and f… Farewell 2019!

Wow. What a year it has been.

What. A. Year. It. Has. Been.

Right now I am sitting on my Ouma’s stoep, on the south coast, with my feet up, sipping a glass of wine and listening to the frogs sing, and the waves crashing against the rocks. Tough life…

But the tranquility is making me think of this year, and how I came to be here today. Right now my worst worry is the fact that I acted like a true Valie yesterday, and got a bit sunburned… A year ago I was recked with stress, worrying about surviving the week and not having a clue how I would get Aiden and myself through another year.

Today, this is us:

I started a new job on the 1st of Dec. I met an amazing man… but most of all, I was walking on the beach today, in my bikini – a’ la Crayfish style, and I realized for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like crumbling from self doubt because I am not perfect… yep – I had my fat rolls on display, pink from too much sun the day before, my hair all over the place because of the sea water and humidity, and not a trace of make-up… but I felt great.

This year has taught me so much – yet again. But having self worth, and self love was by far the most valuable lesson I could ever have gained. I am happy. Not fairytale, unrealistic or daydreaming happy – I am happy about where I am – and I am happy about where we are going.

My child looked at me last week, and suddenly said: “You don’t look like my Mother.” Naturally my first thought was WTF DOES THAT MEAN?? But instead I asked, in a super calm voice: “What do you mean my Love?”

And he says: “You don’t look like my Mother because you are happy, and you look great.”

Both incredibly encouraging, and so sad at the same time right? But – I am sad for the last (almost two years – I shit you not!) of our lives, but that shit’s over now and now I am glad to hear my Son can see, and feel that I am happy and I really, really look forward to what’s lying ahead of us.

Here, my Friends, is to a Healing, soothing, and Happy 2020!

I realized again today how people are just waiting in the corner, lurking in the shadows, greedily waiting for you to make one mistake, give one misstep so they can jump up and yell;

“Look what she did!!” It astonishes me how some people thrive on the misery and failure of others. Today, I experienced it first hand again. If only these people realized that your perceived idea of me, is so warped. I wish I could call this person today and ask her if she feels better about her life now – if it makes her sleep better at night knowing that her ‘telling’ on me today has caused another part of my soul to die. Another part of my will to live and keep fighting this battle was lost today. I wish I could tell her that perhaps my existence doesn’t add much value to her life – but my life is hardly a walk in the park and today you destroyed more of the little bit of trust in Humanity, I had left.

I realize very well this blog today is filled with cowardice but I wish for nothing more than to simply pick up the phone and ask if she’s happy now? But I can’t do that… But I needed to vent. I needed to get at least this much off my chest today.

So thanks for taking the time today to read this…

I just need a hug… or 7

Silence

I switched the radio off this morning. I drove in silence to the station. My mind, and my ears just can’t take anymore negativity. This last week has been exceptionally chaotic and downright traumatic for anyone living in the country, and more specifically, Gauteng.

From little girls being snatched right out of their Mothers arms, then miraculously being returned to a dark street at 2am… unharmed, untouched… the country was wrecked with worry! I myself lay that entire night worrying about the trauma this child must have been experiencing. The turmoil her mother must have been in. What was that all about? Have we really lost our minds? I mean come on! This is not a Jason Strathom movie, this is our lives!!

Then the streets are being burned and plundered and my colleagues call me, fearing for their lives at work:

“Can they close the doors? Can they go home??”

The banks have closed up and sent their staff home out of fear for their safety. Videos are being shared on social media of people being burned alive!! Callously- like they don’t realize these are actual human beings, this is someone husband, father, child! It’s not CGI special affects. This is an actual person being burnt alive and you find it entertaining and amusing and feel the need to share the gruesomeness on social media with no care or consideration for the actual life that was lost. I am sickened to my stomach right now.

My mind feels cluttered and bogged down with our reality in this country. This is our lives. And I feel hopeless, and helpless. I want to leave this place. I want to take my child somewhere where I don’t have to keep him locked up inside the house with me all the time because I fear someone else will come and cause my child harm.

We were driving to school this morning listening to 702 at first. Listening to people dying, the country being plundered, and Aiden says to me:

“I’m so glad you didn’t die in that car accident you were in. I’m so glad you were able to walk away from it. What would I do without you?”

I had to bite back tears. These words came from nowhere almost as if my child has been able to read my thoughts of late… I am ashamed to admit that I have felt so despondent in recent weeks. My thoughts have been frightening to say the least, because it seems so hopeless. And here comes my 6 year old and he reminds me in a few words that he is my entire reason for living.

But how do I raise a self sufficient, happy and healthy child in a country that is dead set on destroying itself??!! I want to leave – I want to find greener pastures but my brutal reality is: I can’t get out. I don’t have a degree and that it seems, means I am useless to anywhere else than where I am right now.

And where I am right now… is killing me slowly every day.

Our country needs help. But where will our help come from?

24 August 2014

I have been thinking about this post this entire week.

Today, exactly 5 years ago is no longer the day I consider the worst day of my life, and today 5 years ago I was in the car accident that landed me in ICU for a week and a half…

It had me thinking how such a physically traumatic, which did result in emotional trauma eventually, did not change me as much as 14 February 2018.

I am trying to make this a more positive post about focus, and mindsets and how events effect us based on our views of said events, but it’s been a rough week… a very emotional one and thus my focus this morning isn’t exactly narrowed in on the positive but I am trying. I am trying to counteract the negativity with exercise and focussing on what is good, but it gets significantly harder when you are told you suck at what you do.

But the car accident – I can’t believe it’s been 5 years… it literally feels like yesterday. That moment being stuck in the car waiting for the paramedics to get me out, and lift me out with so many unsupported fractures… I would much rather relive that than having to spend so much time and effort on mending a broken heart again.

Okay okay I can hear it – I am also sounding like a broken record lol.

The other anniversary that’s coming up (and I use the word ‘anniversary’ very lightly as I hardly celebrate that day), but on 28 Aug, 16 years ago, our Dad passed away) That hurt never goes away, it just becomes a part of you and you learn to accept the longing and missing as a part of you. Something that makes you You – like a scar you wish wasn’t there but it’s there and it reminds you of how it got there every time you look at it. I miss my Dad more with each passing day. I wish he was here so I could talk to him about this week I had… just talk it through and watch his face and Oh, how I miss his professional advice because he knew what he was talking about. But this thought brings a smile to my face at least, because thinking about him makes me happy. I think we as siblings don’t talk about him enough. I suppose with all the water under the bridge that was our childhoods we are silently worried about bringing up memories that would hurt but again, I prefer to focus on all the Good that was him and one thing I never doubted about my Father, in all his broken ways, he loved us more than anything.

This also means this year is basically over.

The end of August is here and Hallelujah! with that means the beginning of Spring! I absolutely adore Spring. It feels New.

I can’t wait for that first Spring rain… the sky looks absolutely amazing afterwards… washed clean and so blue! I will be sure to take a pic and put one up here to show you what I mean.

So August is ending and with it comes September which will mean Newnesss.

I can’t wait!

Happiness

I need more Happiness. I woke up in the middle of the night with this thought literally screaming through my head. I need more happiness! I feel like I’m chasing it. But it is forever just out of my grasp.

We create our own happiness right? But what if you’re stuck somewhere where there just doesn’t seem a way to create this Goddamn happiness everyone claims comes from within?

I am always telling myself that I just need to learn to be happy with what I’ve got and then everything else will happen naturally. Be grateful.

I was lying here thinking about why I am feeling unhappy right now and I realize it’s coz I blame myself, for feeling unhappy – #insertfacepalmhere. And so around and around I go because all I want is to be happy and healthy and living a life worth getting up for in the mornings. And I try so hard to achieve just that but yet I never seem to actually get there.

And it just hit me – I can allow myself to accept that perhaps this moment right here isn’t ideal, but it hardly makes me a failure and it hardly undoes all the work, and the space I have achieved in the last year. It’s so easy to bring ourselves down! I just did a 15 minute meditation session on Letting Go and Wow! I am so grateful to have this tool because it reminded me that I can love myself, and accept myself and accept that I may not be happy with this here situation and that is okay.

I’m grateful to have been reminded that my worth does not lay in the love or acceptance of others. A little while back I was told that ‘there is something wrong with your facial expressions’ and this statement hit me so hard, it totally bowled me over and I battled to recover from this incredibly insensitive comment – someone else’s moment of judgement had nearly taken me right back to the scared, insecure, quiet and extremely introverted little girl I was 20 years ago, but, and it took me a few days to remind myself of this, this comment wasn’t really about me. But more about where this other person was and frustration he was experiencing in his life but yet in a matter of seconds he stripped my self worth from me. But – my worth does not lay in the opinions of others. And I have worked very hard to make this my truth and I will keep owning it because I think that is where true happiness comes from.

So I will continue walking this road and I will continue chasing my true Happiness… perhaps having to chase it at least means always striving for more… not settling to remain in a place where I am clearly not yet, Really Happy.

I may act like I’m okay…

I am constantly hungry. I realize it was winter and that has a lot to do with my constant state of hunger but seriously if I am not eating, I am thinking about what to eat next.

I sound like a glutton – I swear I am not. Perhaps I just like cooking and baking and thus that part of my brain is continually wondering what else I can conjure up to serve to… no one! Aiden doesn’t appreciate my cooking. Not even a little bit. As a matter of fact I get the impression my child very much dread supper time… and I’m a good cook. I swear I am… or perhaps my 6 year old is the only person in the world with the guts to (sort of) tell me my cooking sucks! Oh God I have never even considered that possibility! Did I really need anything else in my life to feel insecure about?!?

Anyway…

What I have been wondering about is, Why do people change their behavior? I read a meme this morning that said: Do at the end (or perhaps it said always – I can’t remember now) of your relationship as you did at the beginning and it will never end… something to that effect. I know it’s another of those annoying inspirational quotes but I feel there is truth in this. Why do we change the way we treat our partner? Suddenly responding to a text isn’t as important as it was when you first met, when you could barely contain the excitement when your screen lit up with their name. This depresses me somewhat. My cousin said something this morning that had me thinking today:

“I’m scared I marry unhappily… and then I will be like all the other unhappily married people (I am paraphrasing… she used slightly more colourful words)… When all I want is to be happily married… and it seems my focus was on my business, I put up with guys not meant for me for too long and now I’m getting increasingly terrified of ending up unhappily married anyway!”

I know exactly what she means… and this fear turns into terror that keeps you up at night. I missed my chance… I spent too much time waiting for the right one that I missed him or… was just so focussed on the wrong thing I had him… and lost him.

Urgh these thoughts are making me old. And I don’t need anything adding to my already grey hair let me tell you.

During my chat with my cousin I mentioned to her that I felt embarrassed of sorts to say that I felt this way – this want to be married and settled and have someone to come home to on a Friday… and yes, it’s Friday again today and I have been awake since 3:30 again, overthinking all of this (actually the overthinking started last night again this is probably why I have been awake since 3:30 again… telling my brain to be quiet isn’t working anymore), anyhoo… so I told my cousin I felt embarrassed about not wanting to be single anymore, and I love her honesty and openness as she happily claimed, that she definitely didn’t feel embarrassed. It’s natural and normal to want to be shacked up. And it is…

Uuurrgghh I have to get up and face another day. Be all excited that it’s Friday, but I’m working again the weekend and, yet again, not coming home to a Partner (or even a dog or a bitchy cat) this afternoon.

Have a good Friday though peeps!