Adulting is a bowl of soup and I am a fork

Aiden and I currently live in an apartment building. On the first floor. We are thus surrounded by people.

There are people on either sides of us, people above us… we can hear EVERYTHING. And I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G

Recently I have started to hear a baby cry at odd times during the nights. I have to say it’s not an annoying, ear piercing screech that wakes me up – I am a notoriously bad sleeper so I find myself awake plenty of times during the night, and then I hear the baby cry. The parents get up and either comfort, feed or change the baby and everyone goes back to sleep (except for me off course – fuck you insomnia), but as I am laying down in bed tonight, I heard the baby cry again, I hear the parents move, and within seconds, the Baby is quiet and comforted, and back to sleep… bare in mind it is now 23:40.

And it hits me…

We are all just little babies crying in the middle of the night. This baby clearly didn’t need a nappy change, nor did it need milk… it woke up and felt alone and needed to know that someone else was there. Someone was there that cared and would jump up and cuddle him or her, and reassure him/her (I feel bad constantly saying ‘it’, like he/she is an object without an identity), that they are not alone.

If I could, I would also start wailing at the top of my lungs when I wake up at 2:30 EVERY BLOODY MORNING, if it meant someone would come and hold my hand. But, alas, in the first place at some point we are taught that wailing at the top of your lungs at 2:30 is heavily frowned upon (by your parents especially) from a certain age, and in the second place, even if I didn’t mind waking the neighbors baby at that ungodly hour; nobody would come.

This is adulthood I suppose… we wake up at 2:30 desperately wanting to cry and scream because I just need someone to hold my hand or rub my back and tell me I am okay, I am not alone, it will be okay.

I also realized earlier today that I am strong. I am exceptionally strong. I don’t think though I was born this way, I was conditioned this way. It is an amazing feeling to know that I will never be defeated. But it is a soul destroying fact to know, that I can never be defeated. And this statement may sound profound to those who has not been forced by life to become indestructible, but I have realized that this makes me an incredibly difficult human being to be up against, and to tolerate and to love.

It’s a bittersweet fact of my life, this epiphany I have had about my greatest feat in life, that is also my biggest downfall.

I can’t be anything else though. I cannot pretend to be weak for I am not meak and mild even when I am broken – this is just who I am.

I can only trust that those who really do know me – and this meme jumps to mind:

really do see Me.

Life really is a bowl of soup, and I am a fork.

And what do I mean when I say that? All I mean is to say, that I really don’t know what the fuck I am doing.

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And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life

Almost exactly a year ago, my life irrevocably changed. My life as I thought, and believed it would be was shattered and my world came crumbling down.

But you all know this.

It was my birthday on Sunday… and thus this brought so many thoughts and reminiscing about over this last year – and what a year it has been. It was probably the hardest year of my life, but that being said I am still grateful for the change, and the immense growth it has brought about in my life.

I think the best way to really get to know yourself, is to hit rock bottom. This is why this JK Rowling quote resonates with me so much.

I’m not claiming to have arrived yet – I still have a long ways to go but I can see and feel the change within me. And, I have to be honest, it is a change I have been long since wanted, I just regret it came at such a massive price.

However – I finally feel ready to move on. But truly move on and be happy again. And this feeling, this willingness to let go after months and months (literally more than a years) worth of mourning, makes me happy.

I again am reminded (with all this reminiscing and contemplating and introspection) how many amazing people I do have in my life. Friends that came from unlikely places, Friends that has been there with me even when I could barely live with myself that stuck with me and kept holding my hand regardless of me being an incredibly broken version of myself, my family… what an amazing family I have! Colleagues, that kept telling me how much they love and appreciate me. People who are thousands of miles away and yet to this day remains close close friends to me. Those are the people that matter – and you guys give this life purpose and meaning.

I am grateful for this passed year (may it never NEVER be repeated though) because it really has made me into a version of myself I think I can approve of… eventually – I don’t think the journey of growing can ever be over but I reckon this is the correct road I am on.

I am starting to feel happier again, and I am grateful.

I wanted to take a moment to say Thank You – to all of you. And, this next year will be Badasss and amazing – I can just feel it.

I need Chocolate Cake

I deleted all online dating apps and profiles.  I am beginning to think that online dating just isn’t for me.  You get to a point where it just makes you feel even more despondent. I still believe there are good people left out there – I mean, I consider myself good people and here I am, still ‘left out there’.   Do not get me wrong:  I have met some stellar guys – some I even talk to still and some I will call close friends now… but for the most part, the experience remains horrifying.  And from what I can gather, it is not limited to SAFFA men.

I have to give you some feedback:  On my previous blog I told you about the teetotalers and the druggies and the whatnots.  I think I may have touched on the sex-starved creeps that no matter how carefully you tread, the conversation somehow gets back to how hard, how deep, how often… you get my drift… Anyway so sometime last year I started chatting to this guy, from Joburg, good looking.  According to his profile pics a six-pack (we all know how I love those).  So after a bit of back and forth texting via Tinder, we exchange numbers.  It wasn’t long before he called me.. and perhaps this is where things started going downhill for me as he sounded a little feminine…  but I know I know… be less judgy and be more open minded to meeting new people.  So I soldier through and have a conversation with this guy… If there is a Guiness Book of World Records of turning the conversation onto sex, this guy would definitely have won first place.  So needless to say I avoid Joburg Guy henceforth.  I ignore whatsapps (for some reason I just feel bad blocking people, I don’t know why –  I much rather just Ghost them, coz you know, that’s much better).  Anyhoo so last night my phone rings, at about 20:45 (and wouldn’t you believe it I was actually sitting and working), but it was a Pvt Caller ID number, which I don’t normally answer, but I have a new helper that started today so thinking it may be her, I answer.  Dear God in Heaven who do you think was on the other side…  Creepy Joburg Sex Guy!  Lord All mighty I had to stop myself from sighing very loudly in his ear.  I mean – if I’m not taking your calls, and not even reading your whatsapp messages, why would you call me still?  So, again, I hear my dear friend Jonny’s voice in my ear and I think, give the guy the benefit of the doubt… so I swallow my sigh and I talk.  How I regret that decision now!  Jonny, you have officially been fired as the Voice of Reason!  First of all he started telling me how possessive and screwed up the women on Tinder is, when I asked why he said that, he answered because they ask how many girls he is talking to… then he told me that he knows he brings enough to the table as he drives several high end cars… not one, not two, but several.  I promptly told him I don’t give a shit about cars, I drive a Yaris for Pete’s sake!  But it got worse from there:  without going into too much detail, because I mean seriously some things are just not meant to be discussed in open, or with strangers, but he insisted on talking about anal sex –  Ladies, how many of you want to talk about anal sex to your partner, let alone some creep you have never met?  So I decided honesty was the best policy and told him that I was done with the conversation, and ended the call.

Friend request

So it brought me back to my train of thought of a couple of weeks ago, when I wrote about choices.  I have also been thinking about, What is it that I want?  I have decided that I really needed to take charge of my life, and go/fight/aim towards that which I really want in life… but how do you set goals, when I don’t even know what exactly I am aiming for?

What is my dream?

I remember long ago I was taking a walk with Clare (my other dear Friend) through the Village we lived in at the time, Mornac sur Seudre, this was in France, nearly 20 years ago, and she asked me the question:  If I could be anything, anything at all, what would I be?  Naturally I answered a Rockstar – I was 19 at the time, and she told me to be realistic.  And I am telling you guys, 20 years later I can still not answer this question.  I am sorry Clare, my one true dream is still to be a Rockstar… even though I can no longer party like one.

The only other thing I can think of, is my deli with lasagna, wine and an open mic and a piano… a Grande Piano – but I hear her voice in her posh (yes Clare – to a SAFFA chick any English accent is posh – even an Ipswich one) accent, and I just hear the words:  Be realistic.  

It brings me to my actual point, how pivotal it is in our children’s development to let them experience different things, all kinds of things, to encourage them to learn from new experiences and broaden their horizons so that they know what it is that will make them happy.

Truth be told, at nearly 40, I have no idea what would truly make me happy…  all I know for a fact is, I need a lifestyle change right about now.

 

 

Choices

I was walking to my car after work last night. Alone, in the dark at 7pm, feeling very alone, and wondered… how did I get here? On my way home after another long day, broke, and heading to an empty house. Aiden was staying with his Dad again coz it just doesn’t make sense to pick him up 8pm.

I walked and I wondered… which choices brought me here.

As most of you know I am a firm believer that we live the consequences of our own choices, and it got me to thinking: Which wrong choices brought me to this moment: Alone, in the dark, not quite sure anybody would realize if something happened to me… perhaps work would start getting annoyed after a few days of me not showing up… but how long would it take for anyone else to realize they haven’t heard from me for a while?

I wish we could get a review every 5 years or so. Someone to go through the journey with us and show us what would have been, or could have been had we made different choices at certain given times. Like one of those diagrams we have all seen where you can choose which religion would suit you best:

I would have liked to be able to sit down and analyze which wrong choices brought me to this life I am leading right now. I have got to be honest, I am not having a Jolly Old Time right now, and I keep replaying a couple of scenarios in my head, wondering, if I had made a different choice back then, would things have turned out differently?

I do realize it’s not all bad – Aiden is the result of one less intelligent decision made in a moment of drunken loneliness, but none the less a choice I have not regretted even for a second over the last six years. It has come with a lot more responsibility and a hell of lot more worry day-to-day, but yet the best bad decision I have ever made in my life. I realize that was it not for that drunken weak moment, I may never have had a child and that would probably have killed me more than any other disappointment in this life – I always ALWAYS wanted to be a mother and luckily that one dream has been fulfilled. I can’t help but wonder though, what would it be like to have a child with a partner that loves and supports you? It seems I may never know.

There is a few moments like these I would like a review on, not only to see where I went wrong but to see where the choice I made actually put me on the right path. I am fully aware that there will be some choices I am one hundred percent convinced were the wrong ones that may pretty well have ended up changing my life for the better… but it would be nice to know where there are situations I hate myself for, that turned out to be a blessing in the future.

It’s a pity we don’t get these Life Choice Review sessions. I can’t help but think how it could possibly affect our choices, and decisions going forward in life…

I suppose this is where Learning from our mistakes, comes in. But what about the mistakes I don’t even realize I made… how do you correct those?

Live Life Now

It’s amazing how things can change in a heartbeat.

One minute you’re in a happy (seemingly) loving relationship, the next you’re wandering the streets alone, wondering what the fuck happened.

I am trying desperately to shake this ‘WTF was that?’ feeling that was 2018.

I think the answer is to set my focus on something other than the heartache and disappointment. I want to be done with those emotions now. So I have set myself two goals for this year and I really think I need to pour my energy into them with everything I have.

One of them is to go to London in Aug. I really want to visit those two awesome people whom I miss so much. And it really isn’t very expensive at all – I just had a look and I can pick up a ticket for R5600. Now just to figure out where to find the R5600, but it will be done!

But love changes – I still stand astounded at how easily it seems to be able to change. I’m not built like that. Love for me is eternal. I suppose that could be my greatest blessing but alas, it definitely is my deepest curse as well.

But it has to be done now. I think I need to spend my energy more wisely and stop spending so much of my time going back to the past.

I woke up this morning and decided to just claim my life back now. Enough of this limbo state I have been in, just letting life happen at me. I have said this to many friends and I honestly truly believe it:

2019 will be the year!

Happiness, Love and Prosperity

It’s the last day of what can only be described as “What a Year!

I’m glad to see the back of 2018!

I feel like this meme today about this year… life forced one hell of a ride on me. And it’s changed me – significantly and I do believe, mostly for the better. Perhaps a little less trusting of the human race and very skeptical about love, but as a person the journey I travelled this year has brought tremendous growth, and exceptional coping skills! Not that I needed more lessons in coping skills but I am not ungrateful for some of the invaluable lessons learnt this year.

Now, for 2019! I think there are some exciting changes waiting around the corner, and all I can say is, “Watch this space people!” I have maybe become a little more selfish, especially about whom I spend my time with, but I have definitely learnt that you should never judge a book by its cover! Not let other people make up your mind, about other people, and never believe that anything is unbreakable.

I have lost some people that was very dear to me, and I am not even talking about Morné as that goes without saying, but Friends whom I really thought cared about me as much as I do (and yes, I still care about them even if I do not see them anymore), and I have made some amazing new friends. People who have taught me that from the strangest of places unconditional love and support can arise and for that I am grateful as it has restored some, just some! of my faith in humanity.

I have grown a bond with my Friend Chantell that after this year where we have shared so many experiences again, that will stand the test of time. My Friend to you I am the most grateful of all – without you I would not have survived. You have been my rock, my support, the shoulder I cried on over and over this year and not once did I feel like a burden or that you couldn’t cope with my tears anymore. You have such a special place in my heart and anybody that has ever been touched by you, will know and agree that yours is a friendship so truly blessed that I can only say thank you to the Universe for letting you into my life ten years ago. I learn from you each and everyday.

I am greeting 2018 and I am happy to say I am so excited about 2019! I woke up this morning feeling like the book, never mind the chapter, is now finished. And it feels good to close this book and tomorrow morning when I open the new book and start writing this new chapter of my life, it will start with Happy, positive words and I believe this will be the trend of my words for 2019 and the years to come.

Happiness, Love and Prosperity.

I wish for everyone reading this today, the same. May 2019 be bursting at the seems with Happiness, Love and Prosperity!

Have a great New Years Eve tonight Everyone. Be safe, and remember, in Elen’s words:

Be kind to one another…

Good Karma?

So this passed Sunday I decided to take a much deserved day off, in order for me to get my Christmas shopping done.

This included getting a tree and all decorations required, as well as presents for Aiden. So I prepared myself for a shopping trip I really can’t afford, but after the year we’ve had I decided that Aiden deserved waking up to a sparkling tree, and presents.

So off I go… armed in shorts and my earphones.

Heading into Pick ‘n Pay, the first thing I notice is all the Christmas trees, and decorations are on sale! 50% off!! I could almost not believe it! I bought an amazing tree, and all the decorations, for R700!

So next up is the mall as I planned on getting him a bunch of small gifts so he would have lots to open on Christmas morning. That done, I decided I really deserved a glass of wine, and some sushi. They’re busy renovating at the mall and it really is a mess, but I remembered O’Gallito’s used to have a lunch time special, half price sushi after 11. I enquired from the waiter and Yes, half price sushi! Not being 100% sure what I wanted, I ordered salmon and spicy prawn roses. The wine came and I was very content just sitting there reading my book and sipping wine. The waiter brings my sushi and it looks delicious!! But just as I’m about to drench it in wasabi, the manager comes running apologizing that they brought me the wrong sushi. They had put salmon on-top instead of spicy prawn. Now you guys know me – normally I’d have wanted the correct order, especially as I was looking forward to the spicy prawn but in that moment I realized that I hadn’t even noticed the mistake and had they not pointed it out, I’d have been none the wiser anyway. So I tell the manager it’s all good and I would just eat it as it is, and proceeded stuffing my face with delicious sushi.

Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any better, the other manager shows up with the correct plate of sushi, and plops it on my table. Complimentary as an apology for their mistake… What a bargain! The sushi was delicious, and both plates cost me a whopping R45,50.

So it got me thinking again – about sending positive vibes out into the Universe. And it’s all to do with the fact that I wasn’t normally Bitchy Annette and the day turned into a massive success.

May this be a small taster of what 2019 is going to be like…

Half price sushi all year round!

I’m pretty sure 2018 tried to kill everyone

I read this meme somewhere in the week (or perhaps last week, I’m not sure about what day it is any longer it may have been last month), anyway.  I agree with this statement.  And I realize that every year come December we all sing the same tune:  “It’s been a rough year”.  But hells bells 2018 was particularly bad for quite a few people I know.  Granted, for some it was a rather joyful year (my ex apparently who’s all shacked up and happy and apparently succeeded pretty well in erasing all traces and memories of me, like I never existed.  Like I’m a bad rash and giving me any thought would mean reviving me from the past like one of those un-killable killers in those Slasher/Horror films – you know the one, where the busty teenager runs upstairs and slams the door and to her great shock and horror the killer still manages to break down the door in two foul movements).  So I reckon he had a good year.  And yes, it makes me feel bitter.  It makes me wish that something really fucking amazing is waiting for me around the corner so I can at least feel that all the tears and all the introspection, meditation and exercise, was worth something.  At this stage I don’t know anymore.  My life literally consists of getting up to get to work, so I can go home and go to sleep so I can get up and go to work again.  And stressing about having enough money so I can get to work.

At this stage I am seriously wondering, is this anyway to live?  Can it even be called living?  Can it be called existing because I don’t feel like this is anything but being.  No purpose, no joy and nothing to look forward to.  While the rest of the world carries on.  And I’m not blaming anyone, that’s the purpose of the world, to Carry On.  But I am genuinely tired of the battle.

 

Then I see this meme this morning and I realize that no matter how hard done by I am feeling at the moment, this remains true. No one is coming to save me. I have to create a world where I will be happy, myself. I am battling right now though. Really battling. My thoughts frighten me a little but like my one friend said yesterday. “You don’t really have any other choice than to carry on.”

I can’t describe in words how much I am dreading the next couple of weeks. Everyone will be on holiday, spending time with family and loved ones. I will be at work, and at home – alone. This unfortunately is not good for my soul. This may surprise a few of you but I am actually very much a people’s person, so to say there’s a tough time lying ahead of me is an understatement. How I will get through it only time will tell.

I’m sorry I can’t be all positive and pretend I know I have the strength to make it through a better, stronger and improved version of me. I feel like maybe 2018 won…

I really need a hug, a cup of coffee and $4 000 000 right now.